Evan Wynn
2/17/08
My first Job
English
Professor Meek
Over the summer of my 8th grade year, going into the 9th grade my parents thought that I needed to get a job to be prepared for the world. I remember hearing that and thinking me, a job, have my parents really lost their minds, there is no way that I am ready for any type of job. I was also not trying to have my summer taken away from me because of a job. Summer is the time that I am supposed to be free and chill with my friends. I felt like the allure of summer was going away all because of a job that I didn’t even want to have.
After a while of me whining and complaining about how I am not ready for a job; which was just an excuse that I made up. I finally realized that I was going to be having a job this summer. When I first thought about what job my parents were talking about it was market basket or something. I quickly found out that my whole thought process of the situation was wrong. The job that my parents had in store for me was a hell of a lot more work than that.
My grandfather worked in the catering business, at a temple that was right outside of Boston. Sometimes he would have these huge events, and a lot of my family would go to the temple and help my grandfather with the catering services. That summer would be the first time that I would be helping my grandfather with the whole process.
I had only seen from a far what went on in the temple when a event was going on. I had no idea what was going to be expected from me. The only thing that I did know was that the job would be hard, because that is what my parents would talk about. Laziness would not be allowed at all on this type of job.
When I first should up on the job, which was in the early morning, things seemed to somewhat calm and there was not a lot of commotion going on. Everyone seemed to be in a good mood, just getting ready for the work ahead of them. I had come to the temple prepared for a hustle environment so my whole focus was thrown off. I was almost scared of what was going to happen next.
As soon as nine o clock came around things changed. My grandfather came in the room and everyone knew that it was time for work. My first job was to set up all the tables and the chairs. I was like wow that will be easy to do, and then I saw how many tables and chairs there were, an also how big the room was. I thought that I would be spending the whole day trying to set up these tables. After what seemed forever I was finally done with setting up the chairs. I thought I might be getting a break, but I quickly realized that at this job there was no such thing as a break. I was right back into work as soon as I was done with the chairs.
The next part of my job was to set the tables that I just put up. Since we had over a hundred tables we had so much silverware that it was ridiculous. It wasn’t just the silverware either. It was the glasses, the napkins, and the centerpieces. Everything had to be in the right place to or I could get prepared to be yelled at. It took me a good minute to get used to where everything had to go, but once I got it down I moved at a pretty good pace. Once I was done with that it was almost time for the guest to start arriving.
Once the guest go there I thought I might get a break, but once again I was wrong. I had to make sure that everything was moving smoothly. If there was something little that needed to be done I was most likely the one who was going to be called. Even though this job was tough I was a real good experience for me. I would have never been able to see what a real tough job is. Plus the pay for the job is real good so that was a huge plus to it all.
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1 comment:
Sentence One – Avoid repetition or unnecessary information. This will help your writing become more concise and clear. ‘summer of 8th grade and going into 9th’ say the same thing.
Sentence Two & Three – I like the conversational style you’ve set up. I would divide sentence two into a couple sentences. The first one would end with ‘minds’ and a questions mark. Then the next would be more of a fragment – “There was no way that I was ready for any type of job”. Also, if you notice I switched the tense to past b/c you begin writing in the past & this is about a past event. Keep the verb tense consistent throughout your essay.
Sentence Four – Work on finding more precise verb choices. “I was not trying to have” is too conversational and read by individuals that don’t speak the same way you speak, this might be awkward. Is there a better verb choice you could plug in here?
Sentence: “I felt like the allure of summer was going away all because of a job that I didn’t even want to have.” – try not to end your sentences with an auxiliary verb like ‘have’ – see if you can rewrite the sentence because it sort of dangles and ends, leaving us waiting…
Sentences: “After a while of me whining and complaining about how I am not ready for a job; which was just an excuse that I made up. I finally realized that I was going to be having a job this summer.” – First, you put a period after ‘up’ and it should be a comma. If you have a period here, then the initial sentence is a fragment. Also, this is a good example of your consistent use of the progressive & ‘-ing’ ending verbs and ‘to be’ verbs like ‘having’. Try to make it simple past to help you keep a consistent tense. For example: After I whined and complained about the idea of a job, which was just a last-ditch effort to free myself from the bondage of summer work, I realized the inevitable conclusion—I would work a summer job. (If you notice, I also changed the word ‘excuse’ because it doesn’t really fit here. You weren’t using this as an excuse. And if you were using it as an excuse let us know what it was an excuse for.
Try to revise this entire section because it isn’t clear. I think with the sentences above you can create an introduction that grabs the reader’s attention and establishes a thesis or meaning more than how you didn’t want a job. But this section: “When I first thought about what job my parents were talking about it was market basket or something. I quickly found out that my whole thought process of the situation was wrong. The job that my parents had in store for me was a hell of a lot more work than that.” Needs to be clarified and cleaned up. Right now I think you are telling us what that job was, which is important, and how your initial understanding of the job was to be different than the real job, but I we don’t understand the job or even know what it is. Show us, bring it to life, give us vivid, sensory details. We want to understand what you originally saw and then witness how it was much, much different.
As for the rest of the essay, this is my advice: First, review how published essays at the beginning of this chapter show events happening in time. These writers don’t give every detail, but the details they do provide are important and vivid and bring the entire piece to life. Try to avoid general comments like ‘a lot’ or terms like ‘temple’ without following them with more specifics. What do you mean by ‘a lot’ and what kind of ‘temple’ – what did it look like, sound like, feel like, etc.
Second, this is a story about your first job in a place filled with sensory details – give us those details. We want to really smell and feel and taste this place.
Third, what is the purpose of this narrative essay? This isn’t just to inform us about how your first job was a bit different than you expected or how it taught you about the meaning of hard work…try to find a critical purpose for this essay that could resonate with an audience. Answer the question – So What – to your audience somewhere in this essay. Right now I don’t feel like it has a cohesive thesis that brings it all together.
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