John Britt
When I hyper extended my ankle I felt pretty sad and disappointed. It was something I wanted to heal so badly though I knew it would not heal fast to wrestle again and I would have to learn patience. It was only my second year wrestling and I wasn’t nearly as skilled as the average wrestler. It was still something that I was very enthusiastic about and I was happy that I would get to hang out with my friends on the team. It seemed like something that would be a fun and challenging experience for me. I couldn’t wait to get started even though I knew it would be difficult.
Then it the whole thing came to a halt when I hurt my ankle. The night before I had stayed up all night watching the BCS championship game on television then came was late for the bus the next day and even missed breakfast. This caused me to be very tired when it came time to practice because I lacked the energy to properly perform the moves. My head felt as light as a balloon as went through the warm-up. I knew the rest of practice was going to stink. I pushed through the excises and drills as best I could and didn’t complain. I was glad that I had the opportunity to wrestle. As the practice dragged on I grow more and more tired. My body was burning and winded. When I had to pick an opponent to wrestle I ended up with Nate who had about 25 pounds on me and a couple of inches. Its not like I hadn’t wrestled bigger guys but trying to do so tired and dehydrated isn’t fun. He must have been feeling a lot like me since it wasn’t a very skilled or quick match. I don’t remember exactly how it happened except that he was on top and somehow sat on my ankle with my toes still planted in the ground. I immediately regretted not pulling my foot out sooner. The pain shot through my foot and I knew it wasn’t good. I then hobbled to the sideline and worried that it was over. Just coming back from a broken thumb then hurting my ankle soon after ruined something that I was excited about doing.
When I went to the Doctors office on that dark and muggy day I sat and waited anxiously to find out if I would be able to wrestle again though knowing I probably wouldn’t be able to. He came and confirmed that I wouldn’t be able to wrestle. I asked if there was anything I could do to make a faster recovery but something’s you can’t rush they happen and they take time and patience to heal. There was nothing I could do except learn to be better prepared the next time.
1 comment:
Ouch
Sentence One: Need a more precise word choice for ‘sad’ & ‘disappointed’. Also, is there a way to show this instead of tell us. Finally, this is sentence one. How can you change this so that it grabs the reader’s attention better?
Sentence Two: This is a run-on sentence that changes focus midway and does not include any proper punctuation.
Sentence Three: This is a good example of a sentence that contains pronouns with unclear referents and to-be verbs (was) that could be changed to something more precise, concrete and active.
Sentence Four: Unclear pronouns, too many to-be verbs, you need a comma between two parts of a compound sentence that is separated by a conjunction (and), and you need to find more precise and vivid details instead of ‘happy’ and ‘enthusiastic’. Also, how could you show us these feelings and how you hang out with your friends?
Sentence Five: Replace ‘it’ with a precise word. Find a more precise word for ‘something’ and ‘fun’. Too general. You are telling us all of this stuff, but why not bring this scene to life. Pretend like you are painting the picture – what does it smell, sound, taste, look or feel like?
Sentence Six: I’m not sure what you couldn’t wait for or why it was going to be difficult or what was going to be difficult.
Sentence Seven: What ‘thing’ – and you need to consider the order of information. The opening paragraph needs to grab the reader’s attention and provide a clear idea of the thesis or theme. Check out this section in your textbook or mimic how the published essays at the start of this essay introduce their essay.
Sentence Eight: This is another run-on sentence. I think this is a consistent mistake you made in your writing, but I think you can fix this problem now you know it is happening a lot. I’m not exactly sure what you are saying in this sentence. Because I stayed up all night watching the BCS championship football game, because I was late for the bus, and because I missed breakfast I lacked the energy to properly perform the rehabilitation moves. Now, don’t copy this exactly…but work on combining ideas and making your writing more clear.
Sentence Nine: What is ‘this’ refer to, and what are the ‘moves’? Show us, pretend like you are writing to someone that doesn’t know what you are saying. Be more precise with your language.
Sentence Ten: Nice use of figurative language, but you left out a subject or word before ‘went’.
Sentence Eleven: You need a better word than ‘stink’.
*** Now, this is only the first eleven sentences, but it gives you an idea on a sentence by sentence level what you need to focus on to improve this essay. My advice for revising the entire essay is to work on putting together a great introduction that mimics, perhaps, the format used in one of the published essays, and that not only establishes the precise situation you are remembering…but also develops the critical thesis or theme you are using this situation to discuss. That is what you are missing.
Post a Comment