Professor Meek
English Composition I
February 18th 2008
When I was in elementary school, I was a very shy kid; I was shy because I was always getting picked on by all the other kids because I was so much bigger then my classmates as well as the older kids. Due to my size I was always ganged up on and made fun of. Occasionally I would get physical and I would be the only one who got into trouble and I would constantly be sent to the principal’s office.
Back then I never talked to the other kids except a select few who I did like. It was tough for me because every single day at recess I would go out and play soccer or basketball and it would be someone who I was playing with would grab the ball and hold onto it, or when I had the ball, they would purposely try to take me on and start hitting me instead of trying to get the ball. This angered me
All of my childhood aspects changed within a single night. I have a cousin who I always looked up to because he was older, bigger, and stronger then me and I wanted to be just like him one day. This particular night he was over and we had our usual wrestling match. I lost as expected but in the meantime, I realized something shortly after he left. If I was so much bigger and stronger then all of the other kids in my class, why don’t I use my size to my advantage? I mean, I am stronger and bulkier then everyone else, I shouldn’t cower away from them when they gang up on me, I should stand my ground and show them that being bigger is better. I know I’m the best at basketball in my school after all, so why don’t I just show them who I am. Im not weaker, Im bigger, stronger, and Im better then them.
After that night, I went to bed with a new sense of who I was. I was a changed kid. The next day at recess while playing soccer, someone kicked the soccer ball at my head. Normally, I would have gotten angry at that point but I was thinking “ok let’s play on.” Shortly after the same kid fired the ball at me again and I walked up to him and said “you better stop that or else. He replied with “or else what?” I replied with” hit me again and find out.” As soon as he got the ball again he shot right at me. I walked up to him and clobbered him in the side of his head. I stood over him and said “that’s what. If your gonna be a smartass I wouldn’t try doing that again.” From that day on I was a new person. Like a fight scene in a jail movie, I was instantly respected by all of my peers. My enemies tried to make good with me so they wouldn’t suffer the same fate.
I believe that the reason I changed was because I was tired of everyone picking on
me. I wanted just to be respected and not being made fun of. I wanted to go through a full day without having to worry about someone breathing down my neck every two minutes. I don’t know exactly what helped me change but I think it was when I thought about my cousin, I felt his strength and power and I wanted to be just like him when I grew up.
I see now that because of my actions I gained the respect of my peers and I was much happier. I still picture those days when id be sitting away from everyone else talking to myself and eating my ice cream. I would rather now sit with many people in a group rather then have to confine myself away from society.
1 comment:
Sentence One – The semi-colon could work in this situation, but the sentence that follows the semi-colon is so long and complex that I would recommend separating these into separate sentences. Also, consider following a simple sentence like – When I was in elementary school, I was very shy – with a real unique sentence or to that shows how you were shy. Don’t just tell us you were small and got picked on, place us in a moment and bring it to life. When I was young I was so shy that every morning before class I’d wait outside the school until two minutes before the bell rang just so I didn’t have to worry about what to say before the teacher began class.
Sentence Two: Show us how much bigger you were and, again, show us how you were picked on.
Sentence Three: Try not to end your sentences with a preposition – like ‘on’ or ‘of’. Instead, make it a more active and complete sentence: Because I was so big, no one ever picked on me alone. Instead they ganged up on me like tag team wrestlers that both entered the ring, and I was in there alone. Also, work on connecting your sentences better by linking it, somehow, to the previous sentence. For example, your next sentence could read something like – ‘And not only did classmates gang up on me, whenever a teacher or principal interrupted the fight…I was the one that would usually get into the worse trouble.
Next Paragraph: It feels like one big run-on sentence. Work on developing this paragraph more based on your purpose. Paragraph one established that your classmate’s picked on you because you were so big, and this next paragraph seems to begin by saying your shy, but the main purpose seems to be to show that when they picked on you or treated you badly – you became angry. This is important and when linked with an overall thesis, this could be a very important paragraph. But you need to clean up the sentences, keep a consistent verb tense and show us both your shyness and what they did…and how it made you angry. Don’t just say it angered you, show us.
Next Paragraph: “All of my childhood aspects changed within a single night.” – ‘aspects’ is the wrong word and you need to use the preceding paragraphs to build up in momentum to this single night. Right now there is no build up. It feels like two informative paragraphs that aren’t necessarily connected to what comes next. Take a look at the published essays and how they move events in time, how they build up to a single point or idea or moment. That is what you need to do. Also, there doesn’t seem to be any purpose to the previous paragraphs other than to say everything changed in one moment.
“I have a cousin who I always looked up to because he was older, bigger, and stronger then me and I wanted to be just like him one day.” – Review the difference between ‘then’ and ‘than’, and remember that if there are two complete sentences on either side of a conjunction (and), you need a comma.
Advice for the rest of the essay:
This essay seems to be in three parts, and you need to develop the narrative in a way that gives momentum to each part. Part One – you need to demonstrate how you were shy, got picked on, and then how you reacted when you were picked on. To me, you might have said you were angry, but you didn’t act angry. Not until you hit the person did you seem to act angry – so you need to figure out a better way of expressing and showing the difference. Part Two – something happens and you have an epithany, a sudden realization that changes your life. Right now, this part of your narrative is very short and doesn’t seem that interesting. In fact, I don’t really understand it so you need to build up through part one to this moment where you realized who you were. Think about a good movie. The moment when the actor realizes he needs to act differently is usually the big climax or the most interesting moment and we cheer and get excited or it is a moment of – wow…but you don’t have that. Really work on fixing this part of your essay. And then you have part three – which is how you act after the realization. And your action, which is filled with spelling and grammatical errors, is also very cliché. Work on getting to some unique details about it…this is what will bring this entire story to life. Also, think about trying to interject sensory details – smell, touch, sight, sound, taste…
Good luck.
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