The spring of my freshman year I only had one thing on my mind, Varsity softball. Every girl in the ninth grade wanted to be on Green Mountain Union High School’s Lady Chieftains. They were not the best team in the state but the amount of friendships and bonding with the upper classmen was on the mind of every girl. There was a meeting held for everyone that was interested in playing softball, people were entering the auditorium like a herd of animals and people were talking nervously to one another. As the coach and assistant coach entered the room the talked stopped the moment they were visible. They explained to the group how the tryout process was going to work, much like an American Idol show. As the meeting ended all I could think about was getting on the team and being one of the athletes that all the freshman girls envied.
After that meeting I was going to do anything and everything to get on to the Varsity softball team. I went home that night and went to bed early so I would not be tired for my first day of softball tryouts. I woke up early that morning, packed up my sports bag and ate a home cooked meal to I did not have to eat the school breakfast that always made you feeling gross after. I was feeling great, the classes went by relatively quickly and it was time to go to tryouts. As I entered the gymnasium everyone was getting partnered up to throw the ball around, I was nervous if I would have a partner. As I was about to ask someone to be my partner the captain of the team asked if I would be her partner, and I was ecstatic. The coach came in a few minutes past 2:30 and that is when hell came to Chester, Vermont.
Every practice became harder and harder. The amount of running, the pushups and sit ups, all of these doubled each day. With each day came the frequent thought that I would not make it to the next practice, the amount of dedication and exercise was bringing doubt about whether or not I really wanted to be on this team. Then I looked at the friendships I have made and the laughs that we shared after every practice, even the car rides to the softball field with the upper classmen made me want to stay.
The last practice of the tryout period came and I was more than nervous, the final day came with much more work and the key factor to get through this last hump was the ability to push myself further than I have before. The next two hours was going to be very difficult but I knew I could do it; I wanted to be on this team more than anything. It started off by running a mile and a half something I have probably never done before in my life and would probably never do again. As we were running I felt like I was never going to be finished, it was the Boston Marathon in little old Vermont. The pushups were turning my arms into spaghetti but I was more than excited when I completed them. The sit ups came easy and that completed the daily exercise part of the practice.
The moment came at the end of practice, the moment of truth, whether I was going to make the Varsity team, if I was going to get one of the team jackets and be part of a bigger picture. We all gathered around the coach, he congratulated all of us that have completed the tryouts and he was proud of each one of us. Then the moment came, he began to read off all the girls that made the team. He started with the 12th graders, moving down to the 11th graders and so on. The hesitation built gradually as he went down to the next game. Then stopped at the freshman, he looked down at his little piece of paper that contained all of the Varsity players and he looked back up and said, “There are only two freshmen that I can bring on to this team and feel comfortable about playing.” That was it, I was not making the team, my head fell and he called my name. I did not know what was going on, he called my name, my name. I was so excited that I was one of the two freshman picked. That was when I knew that if I wanted something all I had to do was dedicate myself to it and I will achieve my goal.
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2 comments:
very well done. it is a very motivating essay. it should be published to drive high school students to reach for their goals and never give up. whether its do better in school or if its to make a varsity sports team.
love, paul moses
Title – Do you mean ‘mind’?
Sentence one – when you say ‘freshman year’ do you mean high school or college – make sure you don’t assume your audience knows what you mean. Also, I know we haven’t talked about this punctuation usage, but a long dash here might be best. For example: During the spring of my high school freshman year I only had one thing on my mind—Varsity Softball.
Sentence three – Make sure pronoun referents are clear – ‘they’. Also, try to minimize your use of ‘to be’ verbs like ‘were’. Finally, the last part of this sentence is awkwardly constructed – first, you need a comma in a compound sentence separated by a conjunction like ‘but’. Second, make it active by making the doer of the action come first – For example: This wasn’t the best team in the state, but every ninth grade girl knew that membership on the varsity team established close friendships and bonds with the upper classmen.
Sentence four – again, you begin your sentence with a restrictive clause instead of making it a more concise, clear and active sentence. And if you are going to utilize a clause at the start of the sentence, you still make sure they are connected clearly and active. For example: At the meeting for girls interested in playing softball, girls herded like nervous animals into the auditorium.
Sentence five – You begin another sentence with a restrictive clause, and you need a comma after ‘room’. Also, you can cut the last part of the sentence because it is basically repetitive and unnecessary. Also, ‘talked’ is incorrect.
Sentence six – Who does ‘they’ refer to. I know it is probably the coaches, but some people may be confused. Make sure all pronoun referents are very clear. I like the analogy. Why not build on it a bit more and really show us. What did it smell like? How did you feel?
Sentence seven – Try not to begin so many sentences with ‘as’. I especially don’t think it works in this sentence. But look at all of your sentences, you love to begin with a clause. Vary your sentence structure.
Sentence eight and nine – you talk about how you really wanted to be on the team and how you went to bed early. You might consider using all of the information in sentences 1-9 in a more concise, but active manner as your introduction. This could me one or multiple paragraphs, but really work on using this information in a way that grabs the reader’s attention and establishes your thesis or theme…which is more than I really wanted to be on the softball team or teams are great to learn such and such. Then, after this go straight to the tryout and bring it to life with vivid, active language.
Sentence ten – “I woke up early that morning, packed up my sports bag and ate a home cooked meal to I did not have to eat the school breakfast that always made you feeling gross after.” This begins strong but then you try to pack in too much and there are grammatical mistakes. I woke up early the morning of the first tryout excited and nervous at the same time. I packed up my blue Reebok sports bag and ate two pieces of bacon and an egg sandwich. There was no way I was going to eat the school slop that seemed destined for prison food banquets or dog foot festivals next fall. These sentences say the same thing, basically, but they are grammatically correct and contain some very specific, vivid detail that a reader will remember. Just saying the food was gross is too general. It’s too simple.
These examples give you an idea on how to revise your essay sentence by sentence. You also need to consider how to organize the entire essay. Your last sentence seems like it is your thesis…so revise your entire essay so that it is based and build upon this thesis. And a couple last things – you need to look at your details and verb choices. They are too vague and general. Bring this tryout to life. Also, look over the published essays and see how they write about events that take place in time. There are still paragraphs, and not every single detail is included. Right now this wonderful essay is too flat, meaning there are not fast moving parts that climax or peak…it all runs the same pace, with the same energy. Good luck revising.
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